Russell Peters is a crackup, man. 
Especially his early stuff.
Looks and sounds like our local IGA! 
But did anyone actually ask this question from the people who picked this up off the shelf?
Did they purposely put that script on the packaging just so that any Americans would actually “get” the joke? 
A guy walks into a bar with his dog and says “I’ll have a scotch and water, and my dog would like a whiskey sour”.
The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t allow animals in here”.
The dog replies “hey, I’m tired of being discriminated against, just gimme a drink”.
The bartender says “Oh No, not another ventriloquist with the old talking dog trick. Both of you, get out of here!”
“No, no, no, this isn’t a trick. I promise you” says the man. “I tell you what, I’ll go for a walk around the block, and you can have a chat with Rover here”
The man leaves, and the bartender sees him go around the corner.
“Now, can I have my drink?” says the dog.
The bartender is amazed. “Sure you can, and it’s on the house. Listen, can you do me a fovour? My wife works at the cafe next door. It’ll’ make her day if you go in and order a cup of coffee. Here’s 10 bucks and you can keep the change afterward”
“Ok” says the dog, and he takes the $10 and leaves.
10 minutes go by and no sign of the dog. The owner returns, and asks “Where is the dog”
So both of them go off to see what happened to the dog.
As they approach the cafe, they see Rover going at it hot and heavy with a French poodle in the alley between the bar and the cafe.
The owner shouts “Rover, what are you doing? You’ve never done this before.”
The dog shrugged “Hell, I’ve never had any money before”
My wife, not happy with all the money I’ve spent on this hobby, decided to put glue on the grips of all my gel blasters…
I told her I’m still sticking to my guns.
Boom-tish
Man gets home.
Man: “Oh my god babe you won’t believe what happened at work today. So I was goofing around, playing with my pen leaning back in my seat, then I fall backwards and the pen goes right through my arm. I’m bleeding profusely so they decide to get me to the hospital. So then my colleague Samantha drives me over and I had to wait half an hour to see a doctor. Doctor says it looks pretty bad but I missed anything important like tendons, ligaments or arteries. So I get patched up but damn it fuckin hurts. Doc says I’ll have to stay home and rest for like a week before I can get back to work, so I guess that’s a win right?”
Wife: “Who the fuck is Samantha?”