Today I was in a shoe store that sells only shoes, nothing else. A young girl with a tattoo and green hair walked over to me and asked, "What brings you in today, I looked at her and said, “I’m interested in buying a refrigerator.” She didn’t quite know how to respond, had that deer in the headlights look.
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.
When people see a cat’s litter box they always say, “Oh, have you got a cat” I just say, “No, it’s for company!”
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, “An ambulance.”
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Have you ever noticed: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he knows when he’s really in trouble.
Did you ever notice that when you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs”
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me.
I want people to know why I look this way.
I’ve traveled a long way and a lot of the roads were not paved.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
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haha those are good ones 
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That first one was a hard burn…… spat out my coffee 
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haha the tractor ploughing the road up. That shit does happen and wasn’t far from me. Noddy dropped the tandem disc while shifting paddocks. Made a hell of a mess.
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One for @DocBob reading a 4wd group fella asks if a certain brand straight through exhaust is legal in queensland. This dude replys…
Pissed myself laughing 
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American lady. Although his english wasnt perfect they got along very well.
One day he rushed to the solicitor’s and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The solicitor said that getting a divorce would depend on circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have u any grounds?
Yes, an acre and a half and a nice little home
No, i mean what is the foundation of this case
It made of concrete
I dont think u understand. Does either of u have a real grudge
No, we have a carport and not need one
I mean what are ur relations like
All my relations are in Poland
Is there any infidelity in ur marriage
We have hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player
Does ur wife beat u up
No i always up before her
Is ur wife a nagger
No she white
Why do u want this divorce
She going to kill me
What makes u think that
I got proof
What kind of proof
She going to poison me
She bought a bottle at drug store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read English well and it say:
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POLISH REMOVER!
I went for a job at the Australia Post Mail sorting office yesterday,
after the interview I was given a tour of the high~tech depot.
I asked the guy taking the tour “What’s that machine?”
“That’s the Acme 3000 Auto Sorter System, it can sort 150,000h letters an hour and it’s 99.5% accurate. It’s controlled by 12 super computers each one is 5000 times more powerful than an average desktop PC. It has over 15,000 state of the art optical location identification sensors, it contains enough circuit boards to entirely cover the pitch at the new Sydney football stadium and it has 200 miles of fiber optic cable. It cost over $100 million to develop.” He boasted proudly.
“What happens to the letters after it’s finished sorting them?” I asked.
“We give them to a bloke on a motor bike.”
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PRENATAL CLASSES FOR EXPECTING FATHER’S
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Arnold Horsenneger…
Do you evenlift, bro…??
Two voices, one male, and one female overheard on a plane: “I think everyone’s asleep, let’s go.”
“This one’s empty, no-ones looking, you go in first.”
“It’s a bit cramped, let me sit down!”
"Have you got the condom?
Quick put it on."
Sniff, sniff, “Ah perfume you think of everything!”
“This is great.” (long sigh!)
Static on the loudspeaker, then a new voice:
"This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet.
We know what you’re doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.
Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."
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A stockman named Bruce was overseeing his herd on the stock route in Western Queensland when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the stockman, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
Bruce looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany …Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the stockman and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says Bruce. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bruce says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Senator from Canberra”, says Bruce.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the stockman. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a mob of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
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