I just asked the missus if she fancied a quiet night in with a takeaway, a bottle of wine and watch a good movie. “Yeah, that’d be lovely” she said. Right then that’s her sorted. I’m off down the pub.
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A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets
a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts
grinning from ear to ear, then when he disconnects he shouts to the
barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.
The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd
around keen to know what they are celebrating.
“Well,” he announces, “My wife’s just produced a typical Queensland
baby boy weighing 25 pounds”.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but
the Queenslander just shrugs, “That’s about average in Queensland .
Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy.”
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations
of “STREWTH” and “BLOODY HELL!” were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the same bar. The barman
says “You’re the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed
25 pounds at birth aren’t you? Everybody’s been having bets about
how big he’d be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much
does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers: “17 pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. “What happened? He weighed
25 pounds the day he was born!”
The Queensland father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold
beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly
says, "We had him circumcised!"
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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.
That way she deflates quicker.
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1 Like
Bwahaha…… love it!
Will send this to my brother in law 
(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)
Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his “Wellie boot’s”?
He asked for help and she could see why…
Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little “Wellie’s” still didn’t want to go on.
By the time they got the second “Wellie” on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, “Miss, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn’t any easier pulling the “Wellie’s” off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the “Wellie’s” back on,
this time on the right feet…
He then announced, “These aren’t my Wellies.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
‘Why didn’t you say so?’ like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting “Wellie’s” off his little feet.
No sooner had they gotten the “Wellie’s” off when he said,
"They’re my brother’s “Wellie’s”, My mom made me wear ‘them.’
Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the “Wellie’s” on his feet again.
Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your gloves?”
He said, “I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie’s”.
She will be eligible for parole in three years!!!
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1 Like
Must have a tonne of mechanical issues…… someone’s shot it in frustration already!
THIS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO IN MOVIES.
IF THE GUN LOBBYIST TAKE CONTROL
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RANT OVER
MEDS TAKEN
FOUND DUMMY PUT WHISKY ON IT BACK IN MOUTH.
OF TO BREAK SOMETHING IN THE SHED
HAVE A GOOD DAY EVERYONE
After a thorough investigation, a rich gangster finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf and that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.
When the mobster goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer ‘Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is’.
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the money?”
The bookkeeper signs back: ‘I don’t know what you are talking about’.
The attorney tells the gangster: ‘He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about’.
The gangster pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and says, ‘Ask him again!’
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: ‘He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!’
The bookkeeper signs back: ‘OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!’
The Godfather asks the attorney: ‘Well, what’d he say?’
'He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.