So did Inedd my eye, Ti rea that the other night, I did totto asanywaylmao
Mate…,… I’ve had NOWHERE near enough Bush Chooks to be able to decipher this! 
Oh come on mate it chinglish. Thought you were fluenent in that.
Bush Chooks around here might be the Australian Emblem
Just Checking 
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A golpher walks into the bar of his local golf club, battered, bruised, one eye closed over, broken nose.
The barman asks “Wow… what happened to you??”
The golpher orders a double scotch, downs it in one, orders another and says to the barman…
“My wife and I were teeing off on the 16th… my ball went arrow straight down the fairway and settled about ten feet from the green. My wife teed off and sliced the ball into the cow paddock off the right hand side.”
“After spending twenty minutes looking for my wife’s ball, I caught a glimpse of something white under the tail of one of the cows… I lifted it’s tail up and, sure enough, stuck in it’s arse was a Slazenger No. 7, my wife’s ball. I looked over my shoulder at my wife and called out “Hey honey, this looks like yours!””
He took a big slug of his second double scotch, looked at the barman ruefully and said…
“I don’t remember much after that…”
An under the thumb husband takes off to his local shops to buy his nasty nagging wife an anniversary present.
On his way to the jewellers shop he passes and adult shop… a thought hits him like a bolt of lightning.
Next day on his anniversary he dutifully kisses his wife, says “happy anniversary, darling” and hands her a gift wrapped box.
With a stern look on her face, the man’s wife says in a very condescending tone “I hope for your sake you got me something better than the cheap gold bracelet you got me last year for our anniversary, you pathetic excuse for a husband!”
She tears of the wrapping paper, opens the box and finds herself looking at a top of the line Fleshlight.
Fuming, she says to her husband “You stupid little man! Just what on God’s earth am I supposed to do with this??”
The man puts on a wry smile and says “Teach it to cook and clean, then bugger off…”
Boom-tish!
That went off course quick!
Mick, from Donegal, appears on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’. Towards the end of the program he has already won 500,000 euros.
“You’ve done very well so far,” says Jeremy Clarkson, the show’s presenter, “but for the one million euros question you’ve only got one life-line left… phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, Mick. Will you go for it?”
“T’ be sure,” says Mick. “Oi’ll have a go!”
"Here’s your question… which of the following birdsdoes NOT build its own nest?
A) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
“Oooh… Oi haven’t got a clue.” says Mick, “so Oi’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Donegal.”
Mick calls up his mate, tells him the situation and repeats the question to him.
“Fookin hell, Mick!” cries Paddy. “Dat’s too easy… it’s da cuckoo.”
“Are you sure?” asks Mick.
“I’m fookin sure.” replies Paddy.
Mick hangs up the phone and tells Jeremy, “Oi’ll go with “D”… cuckoo. Dat’s moi answer.”
“Is that your final answer?” asks Jeremy.
“Dat it is.” replies Mick.
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screams, “Cuckoo is the correct answer, Mick! You’ve just won a million euros!”
The next night, Mick invites Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
“Tell me, Paddy… How da hell did ye know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”
Paddy rolls his eyes and replies, "Ah Mick… don’t be such a fookin’ eejit… everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a fookin clock! ”
A man walked out to the street, and flagged down a passing taxi. He got in and the cabbie said: “Perfect timing. You’re just like Barry”
“Who?”
“Barry. He’s a bloke who did everything right all the time. Like me coming along just when you needed a cab - things happened like that to Barry every time.”
“Hmmm okaaay, well there are clouds in everyone’s lives though.”
“Not Barry’s. Terrific athlete, could have won a tennis Grand Slam, golfed with the pros, sang like an opera baritone. And you should have heard him play the piano.”
“Sounds like he was something special.”
“There’s more. He remembered everyone’s birthday, knew all about wine, which foods to order, and what cutlery to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I replace a fuse, the whole street blacks out. But Barry, well he could do everything right.”
" Wow, sounds like quite a bloke."
“oh yeah, he always knew the quickest way to get somewhere, never got caught in traffic. I always seem to get stuck somewhere. And he really knew how to treat a woman right and make her feel good. He would never answer back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, he was the perfect gentleman. Never made a mistake. No-one could ever measure up to Barry.”
“Sounds like an amazing bloke. How did you meet him?”
“Well, I never actually met Barry. He died. I’m married to his friggin widow.”
Ah… Katter…
Better than us, neighbor smashed the front door in and fell face first in the hallway. That was a moment 
Haha many years ago I was playing the drums, in between songs heard the door getting banged on.
Shitting myself I opened the door, it was just someone walking by and they were only there for a chat and to complement me for the beats!
Play the drums enough and someone will complain though at some point.
But somehow it’s okay to mow the lawn at 7am on Sunday!
Our Band used to meet in the evenings midweek to rehearse on my Verandah.
No neighbours within cooee of my property up in the hills to disturb, whereas the other Band members lived in Town, so was the best place to Rehearse without bothering anyone.
… but it was high up in the hills above Town, and the sound would echo across the entire townsite, especially at night with the wind blowing the right direction making it even clearer/louder!
The funny thing though is that the whole townspeople absolute loved the “background noise/free concert” and would quite often approach me in the local Shop if we missed a night of Rehearsals, asking if everything was still OK with the Band!
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haha exactly, we had a sound deadened room and the crazy nieghbour. The front door started banging, two others said nah fk that, what you pussies. I litterally unlatched the front door and Mrs Jesus(nickname) from next door fell face fisrt in the hall way.
I said hey Moose umm, are you interested in a retarded 70yo giving us shit for living. His jaw dropped haha It was crazy you had to be there. fkn lunatic it was. Nicknamed her Jesus, well how about you fuk off to church now, aboslute retard.
Oh I start my car at 5am in the morning to go to work Mon-Fri to make it by 6AM start, oh can’t handle this, well fuck off then, I’m paying your pension bitch.
We did rock Redwood park though. Choice neighbors surfies over the back said fuck it and cut the fence as they and us got sick of climbing it. Mr Jesus oh you can’t do that, ah yes I can it’s not your property. Boys went a bit too large one Wednesday night when I brought a can of Ether home and they bombed it in the 44 in the backyard, shrapnel landed on Jesus place of course. Fireies around, They were funny as, housemate come home as he was a print finisher and had kids sticker sheets, any kids yea I do oh they’d love these. Alright how about you boys put this out and thanks for the stickers. No worries mate.
Did have video footage of Holden engine cleaner going off in a 44 and coals landing over 2 maybe 3 houses. 2 doors down, I think this is yours, na mate it’s just rubbish. Fk knows
Good times
I have other stories like when we went for a 3am push bike ride in Redwood, except I was on a 250 MX bike haha fun times oh and then the park oh well next time. Oh there was the Supercross at the Entertainment centre too.
Another day…
Went to an afterparty up at Park Orchards in the hills back of Melbourne… really quiet little well-to-do suburb, semi rural. Great party put on by a colective of drum and bass DJs.
There we were just chillin’ and diggin the beats ( which were better than the actual set at the club 
)… good times. Then at about 4am one of the DJs grabbed me by the arm and dragged me down to the garage. Grabbed a cordless hedge trimmer off the wall and a pair of hedge shears and said…
“We’re going on a mission.”
We went over the road to the servo / mixed business that had a bunch of hedges down the side of it. By the time we finished they had a topiary dinosaur and what could only be described as a deformed pelican.
On the way back over the road we got caught in the headlights of a car coming down the road. I shit myself but my mate stood in the middle of the road with the shears over his head like something out of “Children Of The Corn”.
Beat a hasty retreat back to the house… luckily the car belonged to one of his mates so no SWAT teams abseiling down the walls and kicking in the front door… I’m going to assume he knew that…