SOME OF MY FAVOURITE INSULTS
QUESTION 
1: what was the group up to last night
2: what did you get up to
3: interesting group uniform wheres mine
4: why was I not invited
5: when is the next meeting
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS - (this was actually reported by a teacher)
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Batemans Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don’t have to mow the grass anymore!
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don’t know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck centre, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don’t do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night — early birds.
Some of the people can’t get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked centre for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS!
Two Aussie fellas in a locker room were taking a shower after their game of footy, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his bum!
If you don’t mind my asking said the second, ‘That cork looks uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?’
'I can’t, lamented the first fella. ‘It is permanently stuck in my bum.’ ‘I don’t understand,’ said the other, ‘how on earth?’ The first fella says, 'I was walking along Russell Street, and tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke and a huge old man in Australian Flag attire, with a white beard and an Akubra hat appeared. He said, ‘I am Captain Aussie, the Genie, I can grant you one wish.’ I said, 'No shit!?
Two builders go into the pub after a hard day’s work. They’re sat drinking for a while when a very smartly dressed man walks in and orders a drink. The two began to speculate about what the man did for a living.
“I’ll bet he’s an accountant.” said the first builder.
“Looks more like a stockbroker to me.” argued the second. They continued to debate the subject for a good while until eventually the first builder needed to use the toilet. On walking in, he saw the smartly dressed man standing at a urinal.
“Excuse me mate, but me and my friend have been arguing over what a smartly dressed fella like you does for a living?” the builder said to the man.
Smiling the man replied, “I’m a logical scientist.”
“A what?” asked the builder.
“Let me explain” the man continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
A bit puzzled, but intrigued the builder decided to play along, “Yes, I do as it happens.”
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you either keep it in a bowl or a pond. Which is it?”
“A pond” the builder replied.
“Well then it’s logical to assume that you have a large garden.” The builder nodded his agreement. So the man continued, “which means it’s logical to assume you have a large house.”
“I have a 6 bedroom house that I built myself.” the builder said proudly.
“Given that you have such a large house, it’s logical to assume that you are married…”
The builder nodded again, “Yes, I’m married and we have three children.”
“Then it’s logical to assume that you have a healthy sex life.”
“Five nights a week!” the builder boasted.
The man smiled a little, “Therefore it’s logical to assume you don’t masturbate often.”
“Never!” the builder exclaimed.
“Well there you have it” the man explained, “That’s logical science at work. From finding out that you have a goldfish, I’ve discovered the size of your garden, all about your house, your family and your sex life!”
The builder left, very impressed by the man’s talents. On returning to the bar the other builder asked, “I see that smart bloke was in there, did you find out what he does?”
“Yeah,” replied the first, “He’s a logical scientist.”
“A what?” the puzzled second builder asked.
“Let me explain” the first builder continued, “Do you have a goldfish at home?”
“No” replied his mate.
"Well, you’re a wanker then!
A Tasmanian, New South Welshman and a Queenslander are walking up the beach.
The Tasmanian spots a bottle in the water and races up excitedly to pick it up. He gives it a rub and out pops a genie.
The genie looks at the tree of them and says with a wry smile “three wishes, 1 wish each. “
The Tasmanian jumps up and down excitedly, “Me First! Me First! Me First!”
OK says the genie
“My grandfather was a fisherman. My father is a fisherman. I’m a fisherman and my son is a fisherman. I want the ocean teeming fish”
Hey presto, the sea is teeming with fish. The others look on in surprise.
The Genie points to Queenslander “You’re next!”
The Queenslander points to the New South Welshman and says “him first”
The New South Welshman says “ I am sick and tired of these northerners and southerners interfering in our affairs. I wish for a wall around NSW so nothing gets in or out!”
Hey presto and in the distance they all see a wall appear high into the sky.
The genie says “Now You!”
The Queenslander asks “before my wish, tell me about the wall?”
“Two kilometers thick, 5 kilometers high, nothing gets in or out”
“Beauty Mate, fill her with water!”
A man owned a small farm in Australia.
The Fair Work Australia Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.
“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the rep.
“Well,” replied the farmer, “There’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer for a Happy Hour every Friday.”
“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn’t work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.”
“Then there’s the half-wit.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board,and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”
“That’s the guy I want to talk to… the half-wit,” says the agent.
“That would be me,” replied the farmer.
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Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’
Ray was stunned. ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!’
St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past. ‘So, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Ray.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster. 'It’s no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard…
“Ray, wake up! You shit the bed!”
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An Aussie named Bazza wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn’t have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale’ sign on it.
The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It’s shiny and in mint condition.
He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. ‘Well, it’s quite simple,’ says the seller, ‘whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain’, and he hands Bazza a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Shazza, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.
Just before they enter the house, Shazza stops him and says, ‘I have to tell you something about my family. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes. ’
No problem,’ he says…
And in they go. Bazza is shocked.
Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks. Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Bazza decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Shazza. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and takes her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mum horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mum. She’s got a great body too. Bazza grabs mum, bends her over the table, pulls down her knickers, and turns her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
She has a big orgasm, & Bazza sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & mum is beaming from ear to ear.
But still…Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain…
Bazza remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket…
Suddenly the father shouted. ‘I’ll do the dishes!!’.
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An oldie but a bloody classic 
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A blonde takes her car to the mechanics. He says “nothing to worry about just sh*t in the air filter” she says “brilliant so how many times a day do I do that”
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
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Apparently artificial intelligence scientists are working on a device to turn thoughts into speech…how slow are they I have known about it for decades its called Alcohol
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Too good not to share…!!
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then, I got a dog, bought a motorcycle, shagged a couple women and blew a thousand bucks on drugs and booze.
I think she’ll be kinda mad when she gets home from work.