Three dogs are sitting in a vet’s waiting room… They got to talking about why they were there.
The first dog, a labrador, says “I’m here because I bark too much… my owner thinks if I get my nuts cut off it’ll settle me down and I’ll stop barking at everything that moves.”
The second dog, a heeler, says “I’m here because I dig too much… holes all over the backyard… my owner thinks if I get my nuts cut off, it’ll settle me down and I’ll stop digging.”
The third dog, a great dane, says “I’m here because I hump too much… hump anything that stands still. The other day my owner’s wife got out of the shower and bent down to pick up her towel. I couldn’t help myself, I jumped on her back and humped her brains out.”
“So let me guess” says the labrador “You’re here to get your nuts cut off too?”
“No, I’m not” says the great dane “I’m just here to get my nails trimmed.”
With the supplementary tax bills i’ve just had to pay to the ATO,
That last one feels very relevant…
Laughing / Not laughing…
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Pweh I hear ya there… Jeez Louise 
Try make some and see ya. Not called Labour for nothing happens everytime.
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Big Kohuna, that bottom one!! 
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Squiddy looks enthralled….
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A man and his younger brother who has a habit of rudely speaking his mind, were paying a visit to their newborn nephew. Sadly, the nephew had been born without any ears.
Knowing how his little brother is unable to filter any comments he makes, he stops the car short of his nephew’s house to try to explain what’s expected of him.
“Now, you have to listen carefully,” he tells his younger brother. “Our nephew doesn’t have any ears, so whatever you do, don’t bring it up or you’ll make it very awkward. I know it’s going to be hard, but you know you have no filter on what you say sometimes. You have to ignore the fact that he’s got no ears, okay?”
The younger brother thinks about it for a few seconds then replies "Okay, I understand… no mentioning the no ear thing. Got it. "
The proud new parents introduce the two brothers to their new baby nephew, who’s gurgling away in a pram in the living room.
The younger brother looks at the baby and says “Wow, what a beautiful baby boy! Look at his little button nose… and his big brown eyes… and his cute little cheeks… and his little fingers are just gorgeous!”
He bends down for a close up look at the baby’s face and asks “So is his eyesight okay?”
“Oh yes,” replies the proud father " The doctor said his visions perfect for a baby of his age."
“Well, that’s a relief,” says the brother, “because if he ever needs glasses when he gets older he’s gonna be really fucked!!”
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A Aussie miner living up at Mt Isa looks out his side window one day to see a removalist truck unloading furniture at the house next door. Suprised to see a Chinese man carrying furniture into the house, he makes a mental note to pop over later on to welcome his new neighbour and introduce himself.
Later that day he strolls next door and before he can knock on the door he hears a racket kicking up in the backyard. Sneaking a peak over the fence he spys his Chinese neighbour madly chasing half a dozen chickens around his yard. Thinking it’s some strange Chinese custom, he decides to not interupt and try again the next day.
The following day he walks next door and as he’s about to knock he sees through the front window his neighbour urinating into a glass. He’s shocked to see his neighbour raise the glass and down the contentsbin a few gulps. So, again thinking it’s a strange Chinese custom, he decides not to interupt and delays his welcome for another day.
The next day as he’s walking up his neighbour’s driveway, he’s suprised to see his neighbour leading a large bull around his yard with a length of rope. After a while the neighbour stops walking the bull, walks around to it’s tail and puts his head on the cow’s behind. Strange Chinese custom or not, this is too much for the miner.
He jumps the fence and with a confused expression says to the Chinese man “What are you doing?? The other day I saw you chasing chickens around your yard, yesterday you were peeing into a glass and drinking it, and today you’re sticking your head on a bull’s bum! What the hell is it with all these weird Chinese curtoms??”
“Ah, no! Sorry but not Chinese customs!” replies the neighbour “Australian customs!”
“No matey,” says the miner “Not Aussie customs at all! Don’t know where you got that idea!”
The Chinese man thinks about it for a second or two and replies “When I arrive in Australia I tell Customs man that I live in Mt Isa… he tell me that if I want to fit in I better learn chase chicks, drink piss and listen to bullshit.”
What do you call a man with no shins?
Tony.
boom-tish
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, “Nothing.”
The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”
At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”
But you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.